I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

Chorus:You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at anytime
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

Repeat chorusWear it out (like a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (youre gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
Repeat chorus
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

"I Love those who know not how to live except the down-goers, for they are the over-goers."***
-Friedrich Nietzsche.


***and have fun on your way! ;)

Home again...........

Proving!! Damn!! How I hate this proving… everyone, everything wants proof…of your love, your talents, there is no resort without proving… and I hate trying to prove anything. It makes me feel meager and small!! The ever unjudgemental God… He too wants proof of His love… “Touch but don’t feel…” that’s the proof for his love!!

Damn!! It’s so easy to do all things wrong… the devil way… letting yourself loose!! And what’s wrong in doing all things wrong?? Oh yeah!! Consequences… Cause and Effect!! Who can fuckin escape this law!! Oh so here is where the phrase ‘God Fearing’ fits in…interesting!!

So God… u pretty smart… huh?? What a crafty trap!! Commendable!! … but then you are the one who is loosing… you have just managed to make them fear you!! Where is love??

I know when I start off to search for love as a beginner, as an idealist… I was searching for you… but then I don’t end up with you… rather I end up with some messy human being, who does havoc to my already fucked up brain!! That’s right!! Its in tangles, its crazy and I’ve lost all patience to get it untangled and so I’ve come to you… OK!! Bingo!! I get your point!! So it’s a trap again!! Hmmmm!!

Hey God… can I just hang around with you for a while… its too crazy out there, it’s a frenzy!! I want to be at home… take some sleep!! My eyes are tired and feet bruised… could you just stroke my head gently for a while… past all proving!!

I know I have been stupid, real stupid!! But its gonna be alright … for this love… this pure, beautiful unconditional love… it must pain so much…huh?? To see me in pain… making my wishes your own… even when its not in accordance with your wishes… but you in a distance, shying away from it all… thirsty for love!! Thirsty to see every particle flapper with joy… joy of freedom!! Of existence!! And how stupid I have been to shy away from that joy, that love!!

But now its time… I want to come home… I want to be free again!! I want to flapper again!! I am meant to… don’t worry I’ll do it… all for you... for myself… you be right here like a guiding star… I know you will be… after all my wish is your wish… I’ll do any amount of proving to come home… So long??

A stranger to the land…

It’s not out there for anyone to see. I don’t give it the ‘due’ importance. But then I have no dues. Except the moments i steal, not to be myself. No other dues i can think of.

“The only obligation one has is towards his own self. Obligation towards anything or anyone is not only entirely nonexistent but also the sign of a fake Messiha”

It’s me who should clearly define it…if I miss on that even for a second I feel incomplete…I cannot move on ahead. I want it perfect. I want it precise. Yes I know you cannot see any physical manifestations…I don’t see any either. What should I call it? Empty dreams…NO!! Damn!! No!! I don’t like the sound of that…I have created them, nurtured them and made them grow...they are not empty… I don’t care what you say!! What have you done except judging!!

But then I probably do care… I try to paint… I fail, but try again…

Then I hear it in a whisper… unconfident whisper… gentle it is…but hesitant." You own Nothing in this world except the perfect within you… the idealistic, and in the name of the perfect, you own Everything.That is what you should care for-The Perfect. That is what keeps you going…" yes indeed.

The struggle remains to turn the whisper into a song- loud and clear.

Untitled

Was browsing through my diary... found them scribbled... felt like sharing... well i dont remember the origin but surely not one of my compositions...

"NEED NO STARS TO LIGHT THE WAY...
HOLD NO HANDS TO CROSS THOSE HURDLES...
BORROW NO WORDS TO FLOOR THE WORLD...
LOOK FOR NO SHARED GLORY TO SHINE...
MAKE NO FRIEND, PAY YOUR PRICE...

WHEN YOU FIND YOUR FEET,
OTHERS FALL IN STEP."

Self

Dont lift the self by the self,
and dont let the self down,
cause the self is the self's only friend,
and the self is the self's only enemy.

The self is the friend to that self
by which self the very self is subdued.
but to him who does not possess the self,
in enemity will abide his very self like an enemy.

Bhagwat Gita.

Deep down inside there is a certain point within me which never believes in defeat, which never believes in winning. A certain point which is detached to the most limiting restrictions ,Which is uninfluenced by the most painful pains, which is untouched by the deepest emotional expression, which is most dispassionate about the most passionate glorifications and praises. I haven’t quiet caught it yet…it comes to me in a flash… sometimes in between angry declarations, sometimes in passionate but empty words, sometimes in rational judgments, sometimes caught in between a fear… big or small, sometimes in solitude with painful yearnings for a beloved… I carry it almost everywhere, every time, it waits for me to make a choice… it’s safe in a distance, looking at me intently, sometimes laughing... denying the seriousness of life. I don’t know what to feel or say about it, but this much is for sure - its never angry, its never passionate, it’s never empty, its never judgmental, it never fears, it never yearns, its never in pain …its independent… its free of any mental abstraction, its pure nothingness !! And strangely sometimes I have the feeling that it’s ME!!

Long time back I had read it in a piece given in reader’s digest… a sort of definition for love… though not complete in it self it captures a very important essence dat shud be desirable, only if understood…

I do my thing,
You do your thing,
Im not in this world
To live up to your expectations,
You are not in this world
To live up to mine.
You are you
And I am I.
Yet if we find each other
It will be beautiful.

Such a definition was invited wid utmost delight as what I had seen people around me calling as love had made the word seem really meaningless. But like everyone having experienced at some point of time in their life a vision of the loftiest and most idealistic conditions of existence, and when they failed to find it in the world around, they give up resorting to the word- ‘practicality’.

Love- an emotion considered being omnipotent, if not in anything else people definitely have a vision of the idealistic in this particular emotion. People who love will almost go to any extent for the object of love. The desire and passion is immense. And then like all other emotions this too makes you the subject of failure and pain, and most acutely so. A description of such a pain given very lucidly in graphic novel ‘Sandman’ explains it as follows-

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."

Why we fall in an abyss like this is because in the first place we saw in a flash the beauty that love can bring. No matter how often we turn our minds and hearts away, or how stubbornly we refuse to believe in its magic- distantly we feel true love exists. Everyone wants it, even those who claim to have given up hope. Probably this is one desire which no one can escape. Yet most of us go to our graves with no experience of this true love. Most of us have not been raised in homes where we have seen two deeply loving grown folks talking together. We do not see this in movies or television. what we see is romance- which comes as a substitution for love with a need to sustain our fantasy. Yes, we name that vision of true love as ‘fantasy’. The vision falls short when we choose to believe that we ‘fall in love’, that we lack choice and decision when choosing a partner, the chemistry is overwhelming- it takes control. Blame it all on love!!

But I have never known a love like that. I have never known a love that taught me to escape the responsibility to be liable for my own feelings and emotions. True love is definitely hard to find. Because very few understand the importance to be true to themselves in the first place. The result is a series of masquerading to hide your true self, and put forward the one you think will be appealing to the partner. We must be careful against a thing like that, specially when we choose to love as that and solely that leads to the unfullfilled vision of love that we so desire to achieve. In the aforementioned defination of love when we say- ‘I am I’ we must know the ‘I’ we are talking about throughly without any sacrifice being made with the ‘I’. Then and only then can we know the ‘you’ with clarity. And then and then alone can love bloom in the real sense. Love is not co-operation, love is not sacrifice, love is not harmony, love is a selfish feeling which shows you the road to the highest in you. The rest will follow. The relationship that we have with our beloved is actually a relatioship with one’s self. That’s why love is known as a personal revolution… “love is letting go of fear”!! some say love wanes, it goes away with time

Another aspect of love that makes love unattainable is its independence from words or physical forms of expressions such as a touch. A touch only augments love when supplemented by intimate feelings. In the other case we are not seeking love but sense gratification- we must acknowlege it then and there . “Its only words and words are all I have to take your heart away” the lyrics from a very famous song by the boyzone which is so very popular among the youth. How I abhor these words!!Words have no place where true love exists. Words are mere fillers, when you cant feel something strongly, words come handy. It helps you fool yourself and others around you. I always feel a terrible lump in my throat when I am ovewhelmed with any emotion and more so with love. I struggle to express and fumble and say something stupid ( on a personal note, this would have been extremly romantic had the situation then not been so grave.) the language of love is pure feeling, cause most of the time words are too meagre to portray or bring out the essence of any extreme emotion. Before I used to see inexpression as a shortcoming as people could hardly understand what I felt and conjured up whatever they wished. But I learned fast… how can I give rights to people who cant understand themselves to pass judgements on what I think and feel. What can be utterly painful in this is when your beloved whom you trust enough to open your heart up to, whom you think understands your inexpression, as that is the greatest gift one can give to a beloved… atleast it makes you sure the feelings are intense and genuine, well he fails to understand and see this. Probably the whole thing did fall short of something on someone’s part. Break-ups can be very painful, specially when you know what you feel and you wonder did he never even got a glimpse of it… but ofcourse, you can’t blame or deny what you felt, specially when it was so profound and immaculate. Your friends ask you to get over it… probably they are used to it… but I laugh- u mean ur asking me to get over my self…??... ‘incurable optimist’ my friends say!!