Deep down inside there is a certain point within me which never believes in defeat, which never believes in winning. A certain point which is detached to the most limiting restrictions ,Which is uninfluenced by the most painful pains, which is untouched by the deepest emotional expression, which is most dispassionate about the most passionate glorifications and praises. I haven’t quiet caught it yet…it comes to me in a flash… sometimes in between angry declarations, sometimes in passionate but empty words, sometimes in rational judgments, sometimes caught in between a fear… big or small, sometimes in solitude with painful yearnings for a beloved… I carry it almost everywhere, every time, it waits for me to make a choice… it’s safe in a distance, looking at me intently, sometimes laughing... denying the seriousness of life. I don’t know what to feel or say about it, but this much is for sure - its never angry, its never passionate, it’s never empty, its never judgmental, it never fears, it never yearns, its never in pain …its independent… its free of any mental abstraction, its pure nothingness !! And strangely sometimes I have the feeling that it’s ME!!

Long time back I had read it in a piece given in reader’s digest… a sort of definition for love… though not complete in it self it captures a very important essence dat shud be desirable, only if understood…

I do my thing,
You do your thing,
Im not in this world
To live up to your expectations,
You are not in this world
To live up to mine.
You are you
And I am I.
Yet if we find each other
It will be beautiful.

Such a definition was invited wid utmost delight as what I had seen people around me calling as love had made the word seem really meaningless. But like everyone having experienced at some point of time in their life a vision of the loftiest and most idealistic conditions of existence, and when they failed to find it in the world around, they give up resorting to the word- ‘practicality’.

Love- an emotion considered being omnipotent, if not in anything else people definitely have a vision of the idealistic in this particular emotion. People who love will almost go to any extent for the object of love. The desire and passion is immense. And then like all other emotions this too makes you the subject of failure and pain, and most acutely so. A description of such a pain given very lucidly in graphic novel ‘Sandman’ explains it as follows-

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."

Why we fall in an abyss like this is because in the first place we saw in a flash the beauty that love can bring. No matter how often we turn our minds and hearts away, or how stubbornly we refuse to believe in its magic- distantly we feel true love exists. Everyone wants it, even those who claim to have given up hope. Probably this is one desire which no one can escape. Yet most of us go to our graves with no experience of this true love. Most of us have not been raised in homes where we have seen two deeply loving grown folks talking together. We do not see this in movies or television. what we see is romance- which comes as a substitution for love with a need to sustain our fantasy. Yes, we name that vision of true love as ‘fantasy’. The vision falls short when we choose to believe that we ‘fall in love’, that we lack choice and decision when choosing a partner, the chemistry is overwhelming- it takes control. Blame it all on love!!

But I have never known a love like that. I have never known a love that taught me to escape the responsibility to be liable for my own feelings and emotions. True love is definitely hard to find. Because very few understand the importance to be true to themselves in the first place. The result is a series of masquerading to hide your true self, and put forward the one you think will be appealing to the partner. We must be careful against a thing like that, specially when we choose to love as that and solely that leads to the unfullfilled vision of love that we so desire to achieve. In the aforementioned defination of love when we say- ‘I am I’ we must know the ‘I’ we are talking about throughly without any sacrifice being made with the ‘I’. Then and only then can we know the ‘you’ with clarity. And then and then alone can love bloom in the real sense. Love is not co-operation, love is not sacrifice, love is not harmony, love is a selfish feeling which shows you the road to the highest in you. The rest will follow. The relationship that we have with our beloved is actually a relatioship with one’s self. That’s why love is known as a personal revolution… “love is letting go of fear”!! some say love wanes, it goes away with time

Another aspect of love that makes love unattainable is its independence from words or physical forms of expressions such as a touch. A touch only augments love when supplemented by intimate feelings. In the other case we are not seeking love but sense gratification- we must acknowlege it then and there . “Its only words and words are all I have to take your heart away” the lyrics from a very famous song by the boyzone which is so very popular among the youth. How I abhor these words!!Words have no place where true love exists. Words are mere fillers, when you cant feel something strongly, words come handy. It helps you fool yourself and others around you. I always feel a terrible lump in my throat when I am ovewhelmed with any emotion and more so with love. I struggle to express and fumble and say something stupid ( on a personal note, this would have been extremly romantic had the situation then not been so grave.) the language of love is pure feeling, cause most of the time words are too meagre to portray or bring out the essence of any extreme emotion. Before I used to see inexpression as a shortcoming as people could hardly understand what I felt and conjured up whatever they wished. But I learned fast… how can I give rights to people who cant understand themselves to pass judgements on what I think and feel. What can be utterly painful in this is when your beloved whom you trust enough to open your heart up to, whom you think understands your inexpression, as that is the greatest gift one can give to a beloved… atleast it makes you sure the feelings are intense and genuine, well he fails to understand and see this. Probably the whole thing did fall short of something on someone’s part. Break-ups can be very painful, specially when you know what you feel and you wonder did he never even got a glimpse of it… but ofcourse, you can’t blame or deny what you felt, specially when it was so profound and immaculate. Your friends ask you to get over it… probably they are used to it… but I laugh- u mean ur asking me to get over my self…??... ‘incurable optimist’ my friends say!!

This poetry by Rudyard Kipling is one of the finest thoughts in words dat I’ve ever come across…we had this poem in school and since the first time I laid my eyes on it I have been a different person…though I have a long way to go… these words reverberates in my mind all da time!! It goes like this…

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are loosing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too.
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating.
And yet don’t look too good, and nor talk too wise;
If you can dream and not make dreams your master,
If you can think and not make thoughts your aim.
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same.
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to
Broken,
And stoop and build them up again with worn out tools.
If you can make one heap of all your winnings;
And risk it in one turn of pitch and toss.
And loose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never speak a word about your loss.
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there’s nothing in you
Except the will which says to them ‘hold on!!’
If you can talk with crowds- and keep your virtue
Or walk with kings – nor loose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you but none too much.
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the earth and everything that’s in it
And which is more – you’ll be man my son.

Darkness...the orgasm of life!!

Darkness… the orgasm of life!!

There’s a quality in darkness that makes it the orgasm of life!! It swallows you completely, and as you sink deeper into it, slowly ure masks fall off… and the demons in you rejoice as they r let loose… the intensity of emotions dat flow in dark are always more consuming and fuller… as ure not hiding behind the tunic of ure body… there exists no body in the dark. The multi-colored mask, one for every occasion and sometimes several mixed and matched, the camouflage we r so in love with is the child of the light… that very light which is the one preservative of the demons in you, is also your only salvation…
There are people who are uncomfortable with darkness and there are people who love the dark… the very attitude is the hint to your inner self which clings to its demons so dearly dat the definition of self is given in light of those demons…u may not even be able to recognize them… cause u think its human to make errors… nothing is perfect… you give dat excuse, the very accepted excuse… and it will stand you in good stead in front of ure peers, your folks… you love your demons and u hate the idea of calling them so… but darkness has that quality of making everything vanish… and your comfort level with da dark is ure acceptance of your demons… hate and love dissolves in da vessel of the dark…its pure confrontation.
The door of salvation is always dark… though your goal is light. Light in its purest form also dissolves every thing even the dark. There are no shadows in the world of light…no shadows dat you can think of…but the instigation is always through darkness…we must each find our way towards soaking in the dark!!

Tell me why??

This poetry is very close to my heart... as this was an amature attempt to writing. I had written it in a spirit of a teenage tryin to find the answers to the crazyness all around and within... as i had this inclination towards abstract... and i write strictly for my own self... so everything is very symbolic... we can say- its for all and its for none!!... n ya i also have a tune for it!! if u can suggest one, wud be glad to take it!!


Tell me why?
The moon shines so bright,
When there’s a gloom inside.

Tell me why?
The colors of the sky,
Takes colors from my eyes.

Tell me why?
I can’t love you,
When you know, it has no cause.

Tell me why?
When I cry,
I see rain outside in the sky.

Tell me why?
I have no answers, to your emotions,
You are no ground.

Tell me why?
You feel loved, when someone
Leaves you to go to a blessed world.

Tell me why?
When the wind touches me,
I feel a storm within.

Tell me why?
When the trees shed their leaves,
There’s a touch of deceit.

Tell me why?
When birds fly,
I feel captured inside.

Tell me why?
These tears in my eyes,
Gives a feeling to rise…

Rise above, where no sorrow touches,
Touches you no murmur’s of the heart,
No silence of the dark,
No leaves of the autumn,
No pining from the bottom,
No tell me whys?
No heart that cries,
No tears in the eyes,
No tell me whys?

The runnings in the nightmare,
The dreams of a heart that cared,
The light of the magic,
Feelings deep inside,
The ways of the mystic
Rising of the tides.
In your blood, in your heart, in your mind.
That takes a ride, ride to the skies,
There where it flies,
Where touches no tell me whys?

riding away fast on horses of eternity...

This poem i had written in immense yearning...it had gripped me completely ... n in a way writing this was a process, more of a catharsis... well n its funny dat this poem i had composed attendin a class...when my professer was tryin to teach me a few things!!

It’s where the water flows…
It’s where the wind blows…
The dampness of a palm with dreams
Of holding water in a fist,
The naïve ambitions of the woods
Of becoming friends with the mist
…will tell you all,
They know it all.

You’ll find it in the rising tide,
Washing again, inner and out side.
Singing a love song with rage and fury,
Yet retaining its dignified glory
You may find it in the feathers
of a bird with broken wings,
worn out with love’s dry weathers
of biting cold, yet it sings…
sings on…
the lovely song…
the reminisce…
being the evidence,
of the old pain, still being the same…
Yet it sings… yet it sings…

The malice of the memories
Of those lost diamonds of time.
Sparkling with ethereal and fleeting light,
Getting me drunk with rays full of wine
Yet hoping for a phoenix flight.
And did you hear the phoenix sing?
When it was dying…
Did the music and the words sting?
Or were you too prying.
Or were you too numb,
Too scared to hum,
The music of the sinking soul?
Well, you think you played your role…


Is there a sea of forgetfulness?
Where I can drown in deep…
No caress of love or kindness,
No memory bubbles for the keeps.
Where lashing waves have no music,
And not a sound of the soul
Or hiding behind those tunics,
No playing of games or roles…
Roles of laughter $ of smiles,
Laughter full of teary eyes.
Walking the road of humanity for miles,
A humanity full of guile.
Life makes humanity a strange pun,
Everybody’s running there own run.

The music of variance
is the complexity of existence.
Infinite on one side and incessant on the other,
Stretching to both ends like a perfect rubber.
Pulling the string of instigation
Trying to reach to perfection,
Human experiments with human limits,
Essence of it all can be relished.
In an unknown fever of frenzied living
No!! nothing to take and with out givings.
Come may the zombie walks altered to serenity,
Riding away fast on horses of eternity.